Artemis Fowl
Starring: Ferida Shaw, Judi Dench, Josh Gad, Collin Farrell
Directed By: Kenneth Branagh
Rated: PG
How do I begin to describe Artemis Fowl? For starters, the film was supposed to be a big summer blockbuster in theaters last August. It was then pushed to this May, which was canceled due to coronavirus. What could Disney do with their $125 million budget blockbuster about a young boy who finds a secret fairy world? (Yes, this movie does involve finding a world of fairies.) They could send it straight to Disney Plus. Although this decision may seem like a loss for Disney, and it is financially, I think it worked out okay in the long run. Why? Artemis Fowl would have bombed at the box office and for a good reason.
Artemis Fowl is a little bit Harry Potter, a little Spy Kids, and a little Men in Black except people enjoy those movies. It’s supposed to be a kid’s movie, but I cannot think of any child who could sit through this without being painfully bored. The film is based on a book series of the same name by Eoin Colfer, but I’ve heard that the film has changed several elements. The plot of Artemis Fowl is both confusing and dull. The framing device for the film takes place at a jail facility where guards are holding a giant dwarf named Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad). What a name. We need more men named Mulch Diggums in the world. Good old Mulch Diggums serves as the narrator for the story to tell us what happened with Artemis Fowl when his father, Artemis Sr. (Collin Farrell), went missing. On the path to get his father back, Artemis discovers a hidden fairy world led by Judi Dench. Like all kid heroes, he must battle the forces of evil with the help of his trusty sidekick, Mulch Diggums. Can Artemis save his father?
Artemis Fowl is only 90 minutes long, yet it somehow feels so much longer than that. Kenneth Branagh directs the film, and I typically enjoy his directorial efforts like Cinderella and Thor, but this is just a major miss. There are so many mindless CGI action sequences without any emotional payoff. It’s like watching a video game in movie form with very little story. Unfortunately, the characterization is severely lacking as well. Artemis (Ferida Shaw) has almost no definable personality traits except for being a genius. He acts like a robot in every scene and serves as the film’s protagonist because he’s supposed to be. We don’t know much about him at all.
We’ve gotta talk about what’s going on with Judi Dench in this movie. She plays Commander Root, the fairy leader, and dresses a bit like a leprechaun ready to fight a small child. If this were Men in Black, she would be Agent Q. (This is basically a kid’s rip-off of Men in Black, right down to the neuralyzers that wipe people’s memory.) Commander Root speaks in an odd, gravely voice and gives orders to the fairy world of Haven City. It’s a strange performance all around. Just last year, Judi Dench was Old Deuteronomy in Cats, and now she’s the fairy leader in Artemis Fowl. Some questionable acting decisions have been made.
Does Collin Farrell save this movie? Sadly, no. One would think in a film where Collin Farrell is promised to be in it; he would be featured prominently. That is not the case. He briefly appears in a cameo role. For any Collin Farrell fans, you’re not missing anything by skipping this one.
It’s a shame because there are a variety of talented actors involved here, but the script is so bad, there isn’t anything they can do to save it.
Artemis Fowl is a dull and tedious film that wastes its budget and talented cast. Save your time for something better.
My Rating: 3/10